“Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook‑off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Curry # 1: Manoj’s Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Paul: Holy shit!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they even begin to think this tastes like food.
Curry # 2: Applesamy’s Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking piss off a thistle.
Curry # 3: Farouk’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Paul: Call Sellafield, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I’m now getting shit‑faced from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu’s Black Magic Bean Blaster
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn‑out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
Curry # 5: Laveshnee’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them you’ve discovered a stockpile of napalm.
Curry # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping from my arsehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it’s been rogered with a red hot poker and I’ve just shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I thought. I Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my arsehole will go down for a drink of water.
Curry # 7: Sugash’s Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.
Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I’m dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it’s eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of lava‑like shit to match my damn
shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.
Curry # 8: Hansraj’s Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot curry?
Paul: ‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑ (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report).
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